Shogun Assassin (1980)

Media Reviewed: UK DVD (Vipco)

Director: Robert Houston
Starring: Tomisaburo Wakayama, Kayo Matsuo, Minoru Ohki, Masahiro Tomikawa


In the late seventies Robert Houston obtained the rights to the first two films in the Lone Wolf and Cub series, Sword of Vengeance and Babycart at the River Styx and edited them together, re-wrote the dialogue in English and added a new electronic score. What could have been a total mess of a film ends up as a thoroughly entertaining, thoroughly cheesy, thoroughly violent film.

The plot involves the Shogun's decapitator, Ogami Itto (Wakayama) and his young son, Daigoro (Tomikawa). The shogun order's Itto's wife dead after he becomes paranoid and believes Itto to have betrayed him. Itto refuses to submit to the Shogun and the rest of the film involves hordes of ninja and samurai trying to hunt him down. This results in an carnage and bloodshed - people are literally sliced to pieces in an orgy of gory action.

Shogun Assassin uses parts of Sword of Vengeance in order to explain the plot in the first ten minutes of the film, the rest uses action from Babycart at the River Styx (my personal favourite of the six Lone Wolf movies). Whilst the original films have a lot more plot going on in them, with a lot of interesting references to Japanese history, Shogun Assassin goes for action and uses footage from both films extremely well. The electronic score is very cheesy, but fits the action of the film perfectly. The English dialogue and dubbing will draw unintentional laughs and adds to the entertainment value of the film.

The action scenes are well choreographed and feature some excellent swordplay from Wakayama. The more outrageous moments truly need to be seen to be believed - a standout moment in the film occurs when Lone Wolf pushes his son down a hill in a wooden buggy towards some samurai; he activates blades that spring out of the wheels, ploughing into the samurai and severing their legs. Throughout the film bright red blood literally sprays out of wounds and, whilst not realistic, it adds to the entertaining, over-the-top feel of the film.

Whilst the original films are better plot-wise, with much more interesting narratives, Shogun Assassin is excellent if you just want to sit down and enjoy violent, bloody carnage for ninety minutes. The UK DVD version from Vipco is uncut, but not ideal, as the image is non-anamorphic and a bit of a pain to get right on a widescreen TV. Those who enjoy this would be well advised to seek out the originals and their best bet would be to go for the US box set from Animeigo containing all six films.

Phantasm (1979)

Media Reviewed: UK DVD (Anchor Bay)

Director: Don Coscarelli

Starring: A. Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, Reggie Bannister, Angus Scrimm

Mysterious things are going on in the small town of Morningside. A boy, Michael, first senses something strange is going on when he sees a mysterious, tall undertaker lifting a heavy coffin by himself into the back of a Hearse. His curiosity gets the better of him and he investigates, meeting psychotic hooded dwarves, a severed finger that turns into a giant fly and flying spheres that drill into their victim's head and discovering a dimensional portal located in the town's mausoleum. Soon his brother and their friend get involved, determined to put an end to the evil goings on.

Phantasm is a one-of-a-kind gem in the horror genre and, indeed, the sci-fi genre. It has a compelling, if not necessarily well written plot and an eerie atmosphere that hasn't been replicated to this day, all set to a wonderful score by Fred Myrow. It's a very low budget film, but what it lacks in production values it easily makes up for in imagination and innovation. Don Coscarelli, only in his early twenties at the time, manages to create a vision that is truly his, with a bizarre, nightmarish logic all of its own.

The chemistry between the cast is also one of the film's strong points. Whilst not outstanding actors by any means, Baldwin and Thornbury are believable as Michael and Jody, the Pearson brothers and Bannister is great as the likeable ice cream man, Reggie. A scene between Jody and Reggie in which they play a song together is a nice touch and introduces a plot device used later on in the film.

The last of the main cast members, Angus Scrimm, is outstanding as the infamous Tall Man and helps in creating a villain that is up there with Englund's Freddy Krueger and Lugosi's Dracula. The Tall Man is truly a great presence in the film, managing to be both enigmatic and frightening and his legion of evil dwarves and killer flying spheres all add to the enduring originality of Phantasm.

Phantasm is a horror classic and whilst not flawless is quirky and endearing as well as mysterious and chilling. What works so well for Phantasm is its originality and imagination, it creates an experience that you can't find anywhere else and its iconic villain as well as the chemistry between the cast raise it onto another level for low budget horror of the era.

Three sequels have spawned from the original and due to the imagination and care of director Don Coscarelli the series has remained intriguing and entertaining throughout.

Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

Media Reviewed: UK DVD (Warner Bros)

Director: John Boorman
Starring: Linda Blair, Richard Burton, James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher


A little while ago on this very site I posted a review of the infamous Troll 2, thought of by some as the worst movie ever made. Whilst Troll 2 is indeed a woeful exercise in filmmaking (definitely one to seek out for lovers of bad movies) there is one film that instantly springs to mind when I think about the worst movies ever made - Exorcist 2: The Heretic.

Many will agree with me when I say that The Exorcist is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, with its overwhelming atmosphere of dread throughout its duration, iconic soundtrack and some great performances from the cast. While any sequel to The Exorcist was never going to match its predecessor in any way, who would have thought that the first one would be so catastrophic?

John Boorman, director of the excellent Deliverance, was hired to direct the Exorcist sequel, but immediately this was a problem - he openly admitted to despising The Exorcist. His intentions were to create a completely different film in terms of feel and, in a sense, he succeeded. Exorcist II is nothing like The Exorcist and in the worst possible ways.

Regan (an older Linda Blair returning to the role) has relocated to New York and is undergoing psychological treatment for nightmares. Father Phillip Lamont (Burton) is sent to investigate the circumstances of the death of Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow returns in the form of flashbacks). Through some kind of ridiculous new hypnotic technique involving flashing lights in which a person may enter the subconscious of another it becomes apparent that the demon that possessed Regan is still there, lying dormant. Father Lamont learns that the demon's name is Pazuzu and later travels to Ethiopia in order to find a man named Kokumo (James Earl Jones) who has battled with the demon before.

As you will have noticed this film contains a few very well known names, James Earl Jones and Richard Burton in particular. Even these well known, well respected actors can't even bring any credibility to this film - Richard Burton looks like he doesn't want to be in the film and James Earl Jones spends a portion of the film dressed as a giant moth. It's such an unbelievable waste of talent.

The film tries to take The Exorcist into interesting new territory by exploring the demon Pazuzu's origins and taking Father Lamont into bizarre African locations, but the script is so bad (laughable at times) that the film makes very little sense and - most importantly - leaves the viewer bored throughout the duration of the film.

Those who defend this film often say that it's the change of tone and ideas that make this film worth watching (and indeed is why it may hold an appeal for those who disliked the original), but as a sequel to The Exorcist, a film that still manages to chill people to this day, it just doesn't work. It's like making a sequel to Blazing Saddles without any jokes. The only possible positives I can think of about this film are that it's occasionally quite good-looking, the Ennio Morricone score is unfittingly good (the only talent associated with this film that was fully used) and Linda Blair's refusal to wear a bra throughout the duration of the film. However, none of these positives make Exorcist II worth watching and the film still turns out as an abject failure.

Exorcist II: The Heretic was a commercial failure too, and rightly so, with test audiences laughing the film off the screen. John Boorman was forced to recut the film slightly, removing certain scenes. It was followed up by The Exorcist III, which was much better than it had any right to be.

Note that this trailer makes the film look far more entertaining than it actually is.

Creepshow (1982)

Media Reviewed: US DVD (Warner Bros.)

Director: George A. Romero
Starring: Adrienne Barbeau, Stephen King, Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson


Penned by legendary horror author Stephen King and directed by legendary horror director George A. Romero, Creepshow is a fun, stylish collection of short horror tales made with a lot of affection for the comics of old that inspired it.

Creepshow starts with a story called Father's Day which is a simple revenge tale in which a dead man returns from beyond the grave to murder the daughter that killed him, as well as a few of her relatives. It's not got a lot going for it, apart from a couple of stylish, colourful moments (although this is present throughout the film) and is probably the weakest of the five tales on offer here.

This is followed by The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill starring Stephen King as a yokel who witnesses a meteor crashing into his land. Thinking about the financial opportunities available to him on discovering the meteor he tries to pick it up. It crumbles, spilling a strange liquid onto the land. This liquid causes quick and dense plant growth, covering Jordy's land, house and even himself. This segment goes more for a comedic feel, and works, with Stephen King putting in an enthusiastic, hammy performance. King's writing also elevates this simple tale into something more fun.

Up next we have Something to Tide You Over, perhaps the most edgy, disturbing parts of the film, which is surprising considering that Ted Danson and Leslie Nielsen play the main roles. Nielsen is excellent as the sinister Richard Vickers, who takes sadistic revenge on his cheating wife and her lover, proving that he can act in more serious roles. The main motif of the victims being buried up to their necks in sand whilst a tide slowly creeps in is one of the more effective images in the film.

The next part, The Crate, is possibly my favourite part in the film. A university caretaker finds a mysterious, old crate under the stairs in one of the laboratories. It holds an ape-like creature with rows of fangs, that tears apart anyone who goes near it. One of the university professors uses this as an opportunity to get rid of his oppressive wife. This section provides the most gore in the film and also provides a couple of humorous moments in which one of the main characters fantasises about killing his wife. The murderous creature is well executed by effects wizard Tom Savini.

The final part, They're Creeping Up On You, is about a reclusive, mean-spirited businessman that isolates himself in an expensive, supposedly germ-proof apartment. As his misdemeanours towards his fellow humans becomes apparent, his apartment slowly becomes infested with cockroaches. This leads to a gruesome finale that made my skin crawl. This is definitely the second-best part of the film, not for those who dislike insects.

Creepshow, whilst uneven at times, is an entertaining film with plenty of comic-like visual flair and because of the number and variety of its parts it remains entertaining throughout its two-hour duration. Romero and King clearly put a lot of love into this project and horror fans are likely to enjoy it.

The Beyond (1981)

Media Reviewed: US DVD (Grindhouse)

Director: Lucio Fulci

Starring: Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Cinzia Monreale, Al Cliver

Back when I was around 17 and I really started to embrace the horror genre, looking into the more obscure titles that most people wouldn't have heard of, I thought to myself that I must see The Beyond, a title hailed by many horror aficionados as a classic. So I bought myself the UK DVD from Vipco, which was in the incorrect aspect ratio and didn't have particularly good video or sound quality, but at least it was uncut. On my initial viewing I was rather disappointed - I loved the gore and various scenes in the film, but I felt confused as to the plot. I thought that maybe I'd missed something, and that I had to go back to the film a second time to try and work out was going on.

I was missing the point. Being seven or eight years older now, having seen a great many more horror films (and Italian horror films in particular) I've realised how a film like The Beyond should be approached. If you're watching this film trying to work out what is going on in the plot you're missing out on what the film really has to offer. The new US DVD release (which is an excellent DVD, I must say) arrived through my letterbox yesterday and I felt that this film deserved another re-assessment from me.

What amounts to a plot in the film basically revolves around a woman who has inherited a hotel that turns out to be one of the seven doors to hell. That's pretty much it. What ensues, however, is very atmospheric, visually striking and outrageously violent. A man is nailed to a wall and dissolved with quicklime, a woman's head is forced onto a nail in the wall resulting in her eyeball popping out from its socket and a man is slowly devoured by tarantulas. However, for me the standout visual moment in the film occurs when a woman, visiting her husbands corpse in a morgue, has her face dissolved by acid and then a mixture of blood and acid ominously creeps along the floor towards her onlooking daughter, all set to a weirdly fitting score by Fabio Frizzi. The film essentially consists of various plot contrivances in order to set up these gruesome scenarios.

Whilst the film is visually excellent, these plot contrivances do distract, especially to the less forgiving viewer. A scene where a couple of doctors strap a corpse up to an oscilloscope will leave the viewer scratching their head (quite what the doctors were expecting to happen I don't quite know). Essentially this is just set up so that when the doctors leave the room, we can see that the corpse is still living, as a heart beat starts. These kind of bizarre occurences happen throughout the film.

The acting isn't particularly good, especially with Catriona MacColl's dubious American accent, and a lot of the dialogue is outright absurd. There are also a couple of derivative plot points in the film taken from films such as Suspiria and Dawn of the Dead. Whilst to fully enjoy The Beyond, narrative and plot need to be ignored as much as possible, but in my opinion these flaws do prevent it from being a classic. I would absolutely recommend this film to any horror fan, but for those looking for an interesting story with a good narrative structure, like me aged 17, will have a number of issues with this film.

Creep (2004)

Media Reviewed: UK DVD (Pathe)

Director: Christopher Smith
Starring: Franka Potente, Vas Blackwood, Ken Campbell, Jeremy Sheffield


The tube can be a pretty horrific place; it's hot and stuffy, sometimes smells funny, usually crowded and at night when it's not so crowded it can be a fairly eerie place. Therefore it's presumably a good place to set a horror movie, right? Writer and director Christopher Smith says "Yes" in his film Creep, but does film use its location to fully realise its potential?

Creep opens at some kind of artsy gathering in London, populated by your typical rich, arrogant social climbers. We're introduced to the main character, Kate (Franka Potente), who is no exception in her social surroundings. She's a smug bitch, and written this way, but will she be so smug when she finds out what's in store for her this evening?

On her way to meet a friend at some kind of event involving George Clooney, she goes to the tube station. She has trouble with the ticket machine, so pays a homeless girl £20 for a travel card initially offered to her for £1.50 (her dubious sense of value is highlighted when she later pays another homeless person £50 for him to help her to safety). She waits on the platform for the last train but she's slightly pissed-up and she falls asleep. She's gone and missed her train, hasn't she? Quite how she slept through the roar of a tube train arriving at a station I don't know, but she's missed the train regardless. It turns out that the station has been closed and she's locked in (why she wasn't noticed on the security cameras is one of many unanswered questions in this film).

A train pulls up at the station and she boards it (why did it stop and open its doors if the train services have ended?). The train pulls away, but stops suddenly and she is plunged into darkness. The rest of the film involves her trying to escape from the London Underground with the aid of a tramp, whilst being stalked by some kind of creature that is generally killing people and causing all sorts of mischief.

The 'Creep', i.e. the film's assailant, turns out to be a weedy, half naked Jason Voorhees type character. Despite his puny exterior and a dodgy looking spine he is in fact quite strong, able to lift a fully grown man up by his head, whilst slicing his face. He's more funny than scary - especially when he makes a bizarre screeching noise. When we find out that his name is Craig, well, that makes him even less intimidating.

It's unexplained as to what Craig actually is, or what his back-story is, but I can only assume by the odd visual clue in the film is that he's some kind of medical experiment gone wrong. The fact that he manages to roam around and survive in the tube tunnels whilst going unnoticed adds to a level of silliness and bizarre logic that permeates the entire film. It is very thin on plot, which can be forgiven in a horror movie, but there little else going on in the film of much interest. It's not particularly visually effective and there aren't any real standout moments or shocking imagery.

The only intelligent moment of the film comes right at the end, when Kate, having survived her ordeal, ends up looking like the homeless people she treats so arrogantly at the start of the film, with her clothes looking ragged and torn and a dog resting on her lap. She's reduced to what she found so disgusting to begin with.

Apart from that, Creep is pretty much standard stalk and slash fare. It doesn't use the eeriness of a deserted tube station to its fullest and the plot holes leave the film with very little substance.

What Have You Done To Solange? (1972)

Media Reviewed: US DVD (Shriek Show)

Director: Massimo Dallamano
Starring: Fabio Testi, Christina Galbo, Karin Baal, Joachim Fuchsberger

What Have You Done To Solange? is the first of Massimo Dallamano's gialli about a series of murders involving schoolgirls. Gialli were the mystery thrillers largely made in Italy in the 1970s named after the yellow-covered novels that inspired them (giallo being the Italian word for 'yellow'). These films were popularised in the late sixties by directors Mario Bava and Dario Argento and became commonplace in Italian cinema throughout the seventies.

The film begins with the scene of our protagonist, Enrico (Fabio Testi) and the schoolgirl with whom he is having an affair, frolicking by a riverbank on the Thames. The girl spots what appears to be a girl running away from someone and later sees the flash of a blade in the corner of her eye, but Enrico is convinced it is her excuse in avoiding putting out. Enrico later finds out that a girl was indeed murdered there, and returns to the riverbank to investigate. The victim was one of his pupils, and Enrico becomes entangled in a series of schoolgirl murders as he continues his investigation, uncovering his pupil's sordid pasts in the process.

What Have You Done To Solange? is an excellent example of a good giallo - it contains the black-gloved killer associated with many of these type of films, as well as the violence and sexual overtones. The films does not show a lot of onscreen violence, but the nature in which the killer kills their victims is disturbing, although relevant to their motives. Also the fact that the crimes are committed on schoolgirls adds to this.

The film has some very stylish moments, using some excellent camerawork, including an extremely effective point-of-view shot in which the killer flees the scene of the crime after being spotted by a witness.

Another outstanding element of the film is its score, composed by Ennio Morricone, in particular the discordant basses during the film's more suspenseful moments. Morricone composed a number of scores for gialli, including Dario Argento's first two films, The Bird With the Crystal Plumage and Cat O' Nine Tails.

The film is noted for its more sleazy moments, including a shower scene in which a man leers at the showering girls through a hole in the wall. The film doesn't flinch in its depiction of nudity and its taboo subject matter, but the director makes evident his views on children growing up too quickly and becoming involved in sex and drugs. The movie is a lot about the loss of innocence and what it means to be a child and this theme is also used in Dallamano's 1974 follow-up What Have They Done To Your Daughters? to good effect.

Overall, What Have You Done To Solange? is a superior giallo and is essential viewing for those interested in the genre. It doesn't quite reach the heights of Argento's best work, but not many films of this type do.

Friday the 13th (2009)

Media Reviewed: UK Cinema Release

Director: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle


Recent years have seen a number of horror films being remade for younger or Western audiences. Horror classics such as Dawn of the Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes have all undergone "re-imaginings" as well as many recent Asian films such as Ringu (The Ring), Ju-On (The Grudge) and The Eye. This looks set to continue with many classics due to get the flashy Hollywood treatment. The latest horror remake is courtesy of talentless producer/accountant Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (the man responsible for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake).

Now, being an avid horror movie fan and admittedly rather precious about my favourite genre of cinema I normally dismiss remakes, hurling abuse at my TV screen whenever I first see the trailer of the next classic to be given MTV-style treatment. Some would argue that these remakes should be given a chance, that they should be judged on their own merits, but I see them as what they are: cash-ins on established names. However, Friday the 13th is a film I made an exception for, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, none of the films in the series are exactly high art and they pretty much do what they say on the tin. Therefore it's quite hard to piss on their reputation like you could with a masterpiece like Suspiria. Secondly - and most importantly - I was looking forward to seeing Jason Voorhees stomping around in a forest hacking up twenty-somethings again. I would decide not to treat this movie as a remake, but just as another entry in a series that already has ten chapters.

Those familiar with the Friday the 13th series will realise that this film isn't strictly a remake of the first film, but of parts 2, 3 and 4. In fact a couple of plot elements are taken from some of those films, for example, the man looking for his missing sister is borrowed from part 4. Those worried that this remake has tampered with the established rules and mythologies of the series need not - all of the series staples are there: if you drink or take drugs you die, if you take your clothes off you die, if you have sex you die, if you aren't white you die. This is the reason for one of the film's major flaws; there are absolutely no surprises in this film. Nothing new, nothing that isn't wholly predictable. You can immediately tell who is going to die on first seeing them on screen.

Another of the films major flaws is that it seems as though it was written by a randy 14 year old boy, who frantically typed it with one hand over the course of a day in the Easter Holiday break. The jokes are infantile and wholly based around the subjects of sex and drugs. I'm no prude when it comes to my sense of humour, but the vast majority of the films intended humorous moments aren't funny to begin with and are repeated ad nauseam. If there's one redeeming factor with this is that it makes you want these rich, tanned, good looking, coiffured cretins to die at the hands of Jason even moreso -and he delivers. If only he could leap forth from the screen into reality and punish those responsible for their groan-inducing dialogue.

The director also clearly doesn't have the talent to make a decent film of this nature. He has no grasp of suspense or pacing and often insists on the shaky camerawork that is depressingly common in films today. Its as if the cameraman is working with a running tumble dryer shoved up his arse. It's not stylish, it's lazy. Stop doing it and learn how to compose your shots properly.

However, I can't say I wasn't entertained at points throughout of the film. The film is enjoyable when Jason is on screen and the latest actor to play the role, Derek Mears, does a good job. It's just a shame that the rest of the film (the majority of it) is so tiresome.

I can only think to recommend this to avid fans of the series who are excited about seeing Jason tearing up the screen another time, but to anyone else - steer clear. The gore scenes aren't particularly gory, the funny scenes certainly aren't funny and, most importantly, the scary scenes just aren't scary. The film is pretty much just a rehash of the early films in the series, adding nothing new to a formula that was tired twenty years ago.